if you make bomb ass pancakes, you are an option for my life partner. i wish i were joking, but i'm just not.
Setting: 33-Stanyan bus, 5:15 PM. A man in his mid-30s stands in the stairwell by the back door, an act expressly prohibited by the signs as it is dangerous and blocks passengers from entering and exiting the vehicle. The man gives no shits about such regulations since standing in the stairwell gives him extra elbowroom to send messages to Hot Babes on Tinder.
The bus stops at 18th and Hattie. A woman in her late 30s approaches the back door to exit, two children in tow. The children are both between 6 and 10. Man continues to use his phone as the children struggle to find a path around his large, unwieldy feet and tree-trunk legs.
Woman: (aggressively, probably more aggressively than the situation warrants. But moms get a certain amount of leeway when it comes to civilized interaction because dragging children around a public transit system is undoubtedly a horrific nightmare) Okay, you’re going to need to get off your phone and let my kids off the bus.
Woman speaks audibly and with enough attitude to catch the attention of several bus riders. Man looks dumbfounded that someone would have the audacity to interrupt him during his steamy messaging session with Tiffany, age 32. He moves slightly, but his macho man senses have already been activated. Woman and her children push by.
Man: (she already got off the bus, but he’s just getting started) You know what lady, FUCK YOU!!!
All bus passengers in the immediate area stop what they are doing to watch. At this point, we are all already thinking the same thing. You have to be a truly pathetic coward to curse out a mother in front of her kids.
Woman: (clearly shaken by this unforeseen act of aggression. However she continues to engage with zeal, perhaps as some sort of defense mechanism) Nice, buddy. You’re real classy.
At the front of the bus, passengers continue to filter on. In the back, the rest of us sit horrified as Man continues to yell at Woman. His vocabulary is both a testament to his quality of character and a condemnation of the American education system.
Man: Yeah you’re real classy too. Yeah, fuck you! Mind your fucking business!
Passengers have a mixed bag of facial expressions as Man continues to embarrassingly overreact to the situation. Some look nervous, some annoyed, and some angry.
Woman: (she begins to walk away, thinking better than to stay for what could become a violent dick-measuring competition. She calls back to him) If you have kids I feel sorry for them, buddy, you’re pathetic.
Man: (for some reason, Man finds it appropriate to continue this lively dialogue as the bus door nearly shuts on his head) Yeah, talk to me in 25 years bitch!
Man’s last comment is of questionable quality. Passengers appear unsure as to what aspect of Woman he was attempting to insult. I personally assume he’s sharing his belief that he will be some hot-shot one-percenter in 25 years, but if he keeps sinking all his money into steroids he’ll never get there. The doors close and the bus continues its route. Man returns to his conversation with Tiffany (the luckiest girl in San Francisco), ignoring the dirty looks from literally every other person on the bus.
I make my exit at Clayton and Market, purposely ramming into Man as he is still blocking over half of the door.
Me: (rudely) Excuse me!
Man rolls eyes and looks back down at his phone, which I understand because it’s the only friend he has left on this 33. I exit and start the uphill walk home, marveling at the charm of Sunday afternoon in San Francisco.
Godzilla passes the Bechdel Test once you realize Godzilla is female and misgendered by humans throughout the film